Wake Up! Watch and Wait!

Today is not like any other day. A new year begins, liturgically speaking. A new mass translation is introduced. And I begin again this effort to live the life of a "cloistered heart" within the will of God.  As the first purple candle of Advent is lit, I think of the wise and foolish virgins in Jesus' parable about being prepared for his return. This time of year is about watchfulness, and waiting.

We did a little of both this morning at mass. Our parish priest overslept, so we waited for him to arrive so that mass could begin. And we watched for him. And we waited. And watched. And waited. And finally, he came. I sensed some frustration around me, but there was something else in the air as well. Something different. It was, well, a prayerful sense of "what next?" As Father began to apologize and explain "why" he was late, he paused, and with his soul bared before us, he simply shrugged. "There's no excuse," he said, "I'm sorry." His voice cracked and his very posture showed great remorse, and simple humility.

I know he didn't MEAN to oversleep, but the Holy Spirit used this moment in such a beautiful way. The tone of the whole mass changed after this moment when he acknowledged his failure and allowed us the chance to see his humanity and offer our own patience and forgiveness. A great wall had come down -- the unspoken was said. And we grew out of the moment. In a sense, it was a perfect lesson to carry us into Advent.  It was unexpected, so it shook us up in a good way.

So, all day, the words "wake up" have been on my mind. Ironically, I've been physically awake since about 5 am (NOT the norm for me).  But spiritually speaking, I've been asleep most of the day, and most of the year. And most of my life! I've been going through the motions on autopilot, bouncing from one task to another and reacting as situations arise that require my input. Technically speaking, I didn't really do anything I would classify as "sinful" (ok, there were those extra donuts and a few occasions where I was "less than patient" with family members). But with all the "wrong" I didn't do and all the "right" I did, I really didn't consciously have a goal at all. I was, to use an old business cliche, "reactive, not proactive". I didn't look for ways to share Christ's love with others beyond my comfortable little world. I went to mass, spent time with my husband and daughter, posted my belated lesson plans for our home school co-op, and threw in a load of laundry.  I picked up things. I played with my daughter. I put out little fires as she and my niece argued as siblings and cousins will do. But I was just sleepwalking through the day. SO, even though much of what I did "could" have been for the good, I just never even thought about offering it to God so it could be! I didn't pray! I didnt' pray! I didn't pray! So I didn't see the opportunities right in front of me to be more than just "there" in body, but fully there in spirit for those around me. That was the first thing I needed to do. It was the most important.

This is serious business, really. It scares me. I don't want to hear Jesus say, "In my name you did many wonderful things....but I never knew you."

So this is my "uh oh, I overslept" moment. I'm too busy with "busy work" at home, school and church, and with distractions like email and facebook to PRAY for more than a few minutes a day! Prayer is like cleaning a mirror and removing all the smudges, dirt and fingerprints that obscure our view. It helps us see ourselves, our day, our opportunities, and our relationships in a new light. It's hard work. And I've just been ignoring the mirror altogether because it's so fuzzy from neglect that I can't see my own reflection. Sure, I've tried to clear it with quick moments of prayerfulness that really only smear things around a bit because my efforts are half-hearted at best.  I wasn't fully there. I didn't take time to really look at the image before me. I didn't want to see. I wanted to hold on to the image I thought would be there. The one I wish I could see -- without any blemishes or wrinkles. But that image isn't real.

The other day I challenged my students at co-op to become great saints. I said I want to hear about them doing great things for Christ from my nursing home, and I told them I sure hoped they'd come visit me. But who am I to "dare" them to do this, when I am not putting 100% effort into the task myself?  It isn't that I'm not working for the Lord. It's that I'm not listening to Him because I don't spend enough time with him.

There's no excuse. Lord, I am sorry. Please forgive me. Please help me to stop, and lift my heart up to you before I even begin my day. Be with my spirit throughout the day so that I see the chances you give me to offer up little sacrifices and lift up others with the words that I might not otherwise think to say. I offer this blog as my prayer, my confession of my failings, and my act of contrition for these sins of inadvertence. Amen.

Time to Call on St Michael

Since revisiting my efforts to live within the cloister of God's will, it seems Satan is on the attack.  I have fallen and badly sprained both ankles. Our family vehicle was rear-ended on the way to the store.  And my daughter has a very bad cold / bronchitis.  It is as if Satan is strongly against this effort.  Yet, I know that God is greater, and for the sake of my family, I ask St. Michael the Archangel for his protection as I continue. 

 I am amazed at the resistance I'm encountering in this effort. I am just one ordinary soul trying to live God's will in my life. I am not doing the best, really.  I'm managing to avoid mortal sin and I'm still prone to much venial sin and selfishness. My circle of influence is not a broad one -- just my family and my students.  My vocation right now is a simple one -- to serve God and my family through my home life and by teaching religion in my daughter's school.

As I write these words, a dark presence is hovering ominously over our home as my mother-in-law jumps up in a rage over something my daughter has done. OUR LADY OF PEACE, pray for us.  Guide me, Mary, to remain calm and respond in a spirit of charity in order to be an example and protector of this precious little soul you have entrusted to me. Lord, send my mother-in-law peace of spirit! Aging is hard, no doubt. But with a defiant little two-year-old in the house, and a jittery little dog who's forgotten how to be housebroken-- I'm amazed her blood pressure isn't higher than it already is.  I'm amazed mine isn't high too.

But each time these moments arise, and each time words are held back so that peace prevails (as it has now), we have a small gift to offer God.  A gift of perseverence in the tiniest of trials. Moments such as these are all I have to give.

Lord, help me live in Your Will!  Help me resist the devil!  Protect my family, and guide my efforts to serve my family and instruct my students in a way that pleases You. 

Through Jesus' most Holy Name, I offer this little prayer and all my efforts....   Amen.

Discipline in this Cloister is Up to Me

Months have passed since I began this effort. My days have been extremely busy, and my prayer life is not what it could or should be. I am so like a novice in a cloister, but without a wise superior to reign me in and bring out the best in me.

I continue to seek God's will in each and every day, but I get lost in the busywork and am so easily distracted. Since I began this journal, I have begun homeschooling my daughter and teaching four classes at a local Catholic homeschooling cooperative.  This has been such a blessing. I feel it is a work God is calling me to...and just hope I am able to be open to his graces to help me do it well. Yet, I know I am one to fall prey to taking on too much and later letting it all slide. Already, I have neglected other commitments to be sure my lessons are ready to go each day.

And my biggest challenge lately is that of "reigning in" my words. St James was so right when he wrote of the tongue as a fire!  Seems I am always stamping out little wildfires that spring up when I forget to guard my words carefully.  No wonder so many religious adhere to silence!  I may open my lips with the aim of "defending" myself but so often end up going on the offensive instead.  Why do I find it so hard to let the Spirit come to my aid, sheddling light on the truth of matters when I am in the right and helping me see clearly what needs to change when I'm not? I must be talking too much, for when it comes to disciplining my daughter, I feel ignored, like a clanging symbol! Does what I say seep in at all?  Yet, I know she is watching, even if she isn't actively listening.  And how often do I hear her repeating back things I or other family members have said? Not all are flattering.

The duties of my daily life beckon me...so I must end for now. My prayer is for the Holy Spirit to serve as my guide and superior in my efforts. The discipline I need must come from within, with the aid of God's good Helper. 

Amen.

06 25 2011 : Losing Focus

I am posting because I want to continue this effort, despite my current lack of focus. With no mode of transportation, it would seem I'd have more time for prayer, but I am just stuck in a rut. I managed morning prayers and a quick gospel reflection today. I hit the chocolate donuts like a sweet-eating robot this morning (more my will than God's, I'm sure). I have a 10-page paper to write for a class I am not enjoying, and I have to study for two exams. Fortunately, my mother-in-law is willing to babysit so I can focus on these tasks. 

Still, we just all seem to be in a holding pattern here without the van. We would like to go camping and take our daughter to the zoo. Right now, we can't all go to mass together but go in shifts instead, and our daughter doesnt get to go at all because we can't take here without the car seat. 

So does that mean I suspend all efforts to follow God's will because it's difficult and my routine has been disrupted? What a wimp I am! I need the grace to try again and keep my focus.  Friends, I need prayer. This effort has really shown me how selfish and self-focused I am. I love my comfort. I am far too comfortable putting "me" and "my" will  first. It was easiser to just try to avoid mortal sin. Trying to filter all I do through the lens of God's will is a much greater challenge. I know it's the way of saints.  But it's sure not an easy road!

06 19 2011 : Enclosure of Peace

Yesterday I decided to continue my efforts to enclose my heart within God's will, despite all the challenges that seem to have come at me in what seems like a storm of diabolical resistance. I began my day with a Gospel reflection and morning prayers for the Liturgy of the Hours.  Despite the noise and insistence by my mother-in-law that I "get off my [duff] and get to work," I held my ground and stuck to my prayer commitments before I did anything else. I explained calmly that I would get to it all, when I finished my prayers.

While chaos raged around me, I felt enclosed in God's peace as I prayed and reflected on Christ's admonition not to worry about what we are to eat or to wear. "So do not worry; do not say, What are we to eat? What are we to drink? How are we to be clothed? It is the pagans who set their hearts on all these things. Your heavenly Father knows you need them all. Set your hearts on his kingdom first, and on his righteousness, and all these other things will be given you as well." Matthew 6:24-34.

After my prayers, I made breakfast and went to the garden for the carrots my mother-in-law wanted for today's meal (she likes to plan about three or four meals ahead, I've learned), and I began the housework that surprisingly didn't disappear while I prayed. There was ample time for all the work to be done. Prayer seemed to multiply my time and ability to get things done.

God has a way of taking care of us when we put our relationship with Him at the top of our list. Everything else fell into place. I did what was needed, and had time to study with my husband for a course we're taking. Then I took my mother-in-law and niece to mass, and we arrived early enough for me to be able to go to confession before mass. It was wonderful to rid myself of the weight of past sins and feel ready for a fresh start, with encouragement from the priest that attempting to enclose my heart in God's will is a good idea.

06 16 2011 : Easier Said Than Done

A few days into my efforts at following the ideas in this book, I'm tempted to toss in the towel. It's HARD.  My self-control with sweets lapsed. I have an ugly sinus headache. Personal conflicts popped up over seemingly small things, an unexpected bill showed up in the mail, and my car was hit while turning into the supermarket parking lot today. I expected some things to go wrong, but this was so much more than I anticipated!

Prayer is a key component in the cloistered heart approach, and again, I failed miserably in this respect. The first day I managed to do my regular prayers and Gospel meditiation, along with morning prayers of the Liturgy of the Hours. The second day, I managed a Gospel reflection and quick aspiration.
Things went downhill from there.

Yet, I know there is much at stake. I ask God's protection for my family, and his graces for their spiritual journeys as I continue my efforts.  Future updates to follow.

06 13 2011 : The Journey Begins

As a gift for my 46th birthday, my husband gave me a copy of Nancy Shuman's book, The Cloistered Heart. I thought it was simply one of those impulse gifts my husband sometimes grabs on his way to the checkout counter. He knows my reading stack is already pretty tall, and I'm obligated to read the books needed for my scripture course before I can begin any leisure reading. Also, I wondered, why would he believe I need to read a book about a religious man or woman living in a cloister when I'm knee-deep in the duties of my married vocation? Why, I asked, did he choose this particular book? He shrugged. The title looked intriguing, he said. So I added it to the stack of gift reading that has accummulated on my night stand.

Last night, I found myself unable to sleep and in search of something to read that might make me sleepy.  I am already about a third of a way into a book on educating Catholic girls (written by, you guessed it, a religious). Nope, not that one. There was a copy of St. Therese's Story of a Soul nearby that I've been meaning to read again, but that wasn't quite what I wanted as a remedy for insomnia. Then, there's the textbook for an independent study course I'm taking on Scripture. That would do it, but I just didn't feel like stretching my mind around something I'll be tested on. Finally, there was the book on temperaments for the women's study I"m in. That would be short - only a chapter to go. No, not that one. I kept looking. Underneath my prayer journal and a copy of The Better Part, I saw a very thin volume on The Cloistered Heart. Well, I told myself, I can check this one off the list pretty fast. So I began to read.

The introduction and first several pages were okay, but not extremely compelling. I figured I'd be asleep in no time. Essentially, I was reading someone's diary. Gradually, the author revealed the purpose of the book -- to share an inspiration she received many years ago and chronicle its development up to the present. The book consisted of a string of journal entries detailing her efforts to live as a wife and mother in the world, yet consecrate her heart to God's will as if living in a cloister. The writing didnt stand out on its own merit, but the content and sincerity of the author grabbed my imagination and wouldn't let it go. As I saw how this inspiration became a more and more concrete vision over various periods of her life, I lost all track of time and stopped counting the number of pages left to the end of the chapter.

What she presented was so simple, yet so intriguing to me. Even as a young girl growing up in the Bible Belt, I would wrap a towel on my head and pretended to be a nun. Not being Catholic at the time, I didn't have any idea what being a nun actually entailed. I simply liked the habit, I guess. 

Then, as an adult "migrant" to the Catholic faith from a Protestant background, I again thought of what it might be like to pursue a religioius vocation. Of course, I was engaged at the time, so I toyed with the idea more out of curiousity than serious discernment.

Given my past fascination with nuns, I became more and more interested in the concept as I continued to read. Shuman lays out her journey through the use of journal entries, in order to provide an example of how one might live the life of a cloistered heart. The book includes a prayer of consecration, and a few basic parameters on how to go about enclosing oneself within the will of God as in a cloister.I finished the book in two sittings, and am ready myself to set aside my heart for God.

My first thought was to chronicle my own journey as a separate page of my blog. My second thought was that I must be crazy! Isn't it vain and self-seeking to post publicly my private journey with God? Yet, thanks to the Food Network, here I am.

The way I see it is this -- If I find myself glued to reality TV that makes my mouth water, and others can't miss Survivor, Idol and a host of other reality shows, then why not be open with my spiritual journey through "reality blogging"?

I can assure you - any vanity you may suspect will vanish when you see how far I have to go in my efforts to live within the walls of God's will in my daily life.

So here goes. I will walk toward the monastery walls as a curious enquirer and begin to peek inside and imagine such a life!