I am posting because I want to continue this effort, despite my current lack of focus. With no mode of transportation, it would seem I'd have more time for prayer, but I am just stuck in a rut. I managed morning prayers and a quick gospel reflection today. I hit the chocolate donuts like a sweet-eating robot this morning (more my will than God's, I'm sure). I have a 10-page paper to write for a class I am not enjoying, and I have to study for two exams. Fortunately, my mother-in-law is willing to babysit so I can focus on these tasks.
Still, we just all seem to be in a holding pattern here without the van. We would like to go camping and take our daughter to the zoo. Right now, we can't all go to mass together but go in shifts instead, and our daughter doesnt get to go at all because we can't take here without the car seat.
So does that mean I suspend all efforts to follow God's will because it's difficult and my routine has been disrupted? What a wimp I am! I need the grace to try again and keep my focus. Friends, I need prayer. This effort has really shown me how selfish and self-focused I am. I love my comfort. I am far too comfortable putting "me" and "my" will first. It was easiser to just try to avoid mortal sin. Trying to filter all I do through the lens of God's will is a much greater challenge. I know it's the way of saints. But it's sure not an easy road!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
06 19 2011 : Enclosure of Peace
Yesterday I decided to continue my efforts to enclose my heart within God's will, despite all the challenges that seem to have come at me in what seems like a storm of diabolical resistance. I began my day with a Gospel reflection and morning prayers for the Liturgy of the Hours. Despite the noise and insistence by my mother-in-law that I "get off my [duff] and get to work," I held my ground and stuck to my prayer commitments before I did anything else. I explained calmly that I would get to it all, when I finished my prayers.
While chaos raged around me, I felt enclosed in God's peace as I prayed and reflected on Christ's admonition not to worry about what we are to eat or to wear. "So do not worry; do not say, What are we to eat? What are we to drink? How are we to be clothed? It is the pagans who set their hearts on all these things. Your heavenly Father knows you need them all. Set your hearts on his kingdom first, and on his righteousness, and all these other things will be given you as well." Matthew 6:24-34.
After my prayers, I made breakfast and went to the garden for the carrots my mother-in-law wanted for today's meal (she likes to plan about three or four meals ahead, I've learned), and I began the housework that surprisingly didn't disappear while I prayed. There was ample time for all the work to be done. Prayer seemed to multiply my time and ability to get things done.
God has a way of taking care of us when we put our relationship with Him at the top of our list. Everything else fell into place. I did what was needed, and had time to study with my husband for a course we're taking. Then I took my mother-in-law and niece to mass, and we arrived early enough for me to be able to go to confession before mass. It was wonderful to rid myself of the weight of past sins and feel ready for a fresh start, with encouragement from the priest that attempting to enclose my heart in God's will is a good idea.
While chaos raged around me, I felt enclosed in God's peace as I prayed and reflected on Christ's admonition not to worry about what we are to eat or to wear. "So do not worry; do not say, What are we to eat? What are we to drink? How are we to be clothed? It is the pagans who set their hearts on all these things. Your heavenly Father knows you need them all. Set your hearts on his kingdom first, and on his righteousness, and all these other things will be given you as well." Matthew 6:24-34.
After my prayers, I made breakfast and went to the garden for the carrots my mother-in-law wanted for today's meal (she likes to plan about three or four meals ahead, I've learned), and I began the housework that surprisingly didn't disappear while I prayed. There was ample time for all the work to be done. Prayer seemed to multiply my time and ability to get things done.
God has a way of taking care of us when we put our relationship with Him at the top of our list. Everything else fell into place. I did what was needed, and had time to study with my husband for a course we're taking. Then I took my mother-in-law and niece to mass, and we arrived early enough for me to be able to go to confession before mass. It was wonderful to rid myself of the weight of past sins and feel ready for a fresh start, with encouragement from the priest that attempting to enclose my heart in God's will is a good idea.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
06 16 2011 : Easier Said Than Done
A few days into my efforts at following the ideas in this book, I'm tempted to toss in the towel. It's HARD. My self-control with sweets lapsed. I have an ugly sinus headache. Personal conflicts popped up over seemingly small things, an unexpected bill showed up in the mail, and my car was hit while turning into the supermarket parking lot today. I expected some things to go wrong, but this was so much more than I anticipated!
Prayer is a key component in the cloistered heart approach, and again, I failed miserably in this respect. The first day I managed to do my regular prayers and Gospel meditiation, along with morning prayers of the Liturgy of the Hours. The second day, I managed a Gospel reflection and quick aspiration.
Things went downhill from there.
Yet, I know there is much at stake. I ask God's protection for my family, and his graces for their spiritual journeys as I continue my efforts. Future updates to follow.
Prayer is a key component in the cloistered heart approach, and again, I failed miserably in this respect. The first day I managed to do my regular prayers and Gospel meditiation, along with morning prayers of the Liturgy of the Hours. The second day, I managed a Gospel reflection and quick aspiration.
Things went downhill from there.
Yet, I know there is much at stake. I ask God's protection for my family, and his graces for their spiritual journeys as I continue my efforts. Future updates to follow.
Monday, June 13, 2011
06 13 2011 : The Journey Begins
As a gift for my 46th birthday, my husband gave me a copy of Nancy Shuman's book, The Cloistered Heart. I thought it was simply one of those impulse gifts my husband sometimes grabs on his way to the checkout counter. He knows my reading stack is already pretty tall, and I'm obligated to read the books needed for my scripture course before I can begin any leisure reading. Also, I wondered, why would he believe I need to read a book about a religious man or woman living in a cloister when I'm knee-deep in the duties of my married vocation? Why, I asked, did he choose this particular book? He shrugged. The title looked intriguing, he said. So I added it to the stack of gift reading that has accummulated on my night stand.
Last night, I found myself unable to sleep and in search of something to read that might make me sleepy. I am already about a third of a way into a book on educating Catholic girls (written by, you guessed it, a religious). Nope, not that one. There was a copy of St. Therese's Story of a Soul nearby that I've been meaning to read again, but that wasn't quite what I wanted as a remedy for insomnia. Then, there's the textbook for an independent study course I'm taking on Scripture. That would do it, but I just didn't feel like stretching my mind around something I'll be tested on. Finally, there was the book on temperaments for the women's study I"m in. That would be short - only a chapter to go. No, not that one. I kept looking. Underneath my prayer journal and a copy of The Better Part, I saw a very thin volume on The Cloistered Heart. Well, I told myself, I can check this one off the list pretty fast. So I began to read.
The introduction and first several pages were okay, but not extremely compelling. I figured I'd be asleep in no time. Essentially, I was reading someone's diary. Gradually, the author revealed the purpose of the book -- to share an inspiration she received many years ago and chronicle its development up to the present. The book consisted of a string of journal entries detailing her efforts to live as a wife and mother in the world, yet consecrate her heart to God's will as if living in a cloister. The writing didnt stand out on its own merit, but the content and sincerity of the author grabbed my imagination and wouldn't let it go. As I saw how this inspiration became a more and more concrete vision over various periods of her life, I lost all track of time and stopped counting the number of pages left to the end of the chapter.
What she presented was so simple, yet so intriguing to me. Even as a young girl growing up in the Bible Belt, I would wrap a towel on my head and pretended to be a nun. Not being Catholic at the time, I didn't have any idea what being a nun actually entailed. I simply liked the habit, I guess.
Then, as an adult "migrant" to the Catholic faith from a Protestant background, I again thought of what it might be like to pursue a religioius vocation. Of course, I was engaged at the time, so I toyed with the idea more out of curiousity than serious discernment.
Given my past fascination with nuns, I became more and more interested in the concept as I continued to read. Shuman lays out her journey through the use of journal entries, in order to provide an example of how one might live the life of a cloistered heart. The book includes a prayer of consecration, and a few basic parameters on how to go about enclosing oneself within the will of God as in a cloister.I finished the book in two sittings, and am ready myself to set aside my heart for God.
My first thought was to chronicle my own journey as a separate page of my blog. My second thought was that I must be crazy! Isn't it vain and self-seeking to post publicly my private journey with God? Yet, thanks to the Food Network, here I am.
The way I see it is this -- If I find myself glued to reality TV that makes my mouth water, and others can't miss Survivor, Idol and a host of other reality shows, then why not be open with my spiritual journey through "reality blogging"?
I can assure you - any vanity you may suspect will vanish when you see how far I have to go in my efforts to live within the walls of God's will in my daily life.
So here goes. I will walk toward the monastery walls as a curious enquirer and begin to peek inside and imagine such a life!
Last night, I found myself unable to sleep and in search of something to read that might make me sleepy. I am already about a third of a way into a book on educating Catholic girls (written by, you guessed it, a religious). Nope, not that one. There was a copy of St. Therese's Story of a Soul nearby that I've been meaning to read again, but that wasn't quite what I wanted as a remedy for insomnia. Then, there's the textbook for an independent study course I'm taking on Scripture. That would do it, but I just didn't feel like stretching my mind around something I'll be tested on. Finally, there was the book on temperaments for the women's study I"m in. That would be short - only a chapter to go. No, not that one. I kept looking. Underneath my prayer journal and a copy of The Better Part, I saw a very thin volume on The Cloistered Heart. Well, I told myself, I can check this one off the list pretty fast. So I began to read.
The introduction and first several pages were okay, but not extremely compelling. I figured I'd be asleep in no time. Essentially, I was reading someone's diary. Gradually, the author revealed the purpose of the book -- to share an inspiration she received many years ago and chronicle its development up to the present. The book consisted of a string of journal entries detailing her efforts to live as a wife and mother in the world, yet consecrate her heart to God's will as if living in a cloister. The writing didnt stand out on its own merit, but the content and sincerity of the author grabbed my imagination and wouldn't let it go. As I saw how this inspiration became a more and more concrete vision over various periods of her life, I lost all track of time and stopped counting the number of pages left to the end of the chapter.
What she presented was so simple, yet so intriguing to me. Even as a young girl growing up in the Bible Belt, I would wrap a towel on my head and pretended to be a nun. Not being Catholic at the time, I didn't have any idea what being a nun actually entailed. I simply liked the habit, I guess.
Then, as an adult "migrant" to the Catholic faith from a Protestant background, I again thought of what it might be like to pursue a religioius vocation. Of course, I was engaged at the time, so I toyed with the idea more out of curiousity than serious discernment.
Given my past fascination with nuns, I became more and more interested in the concept as I continued to read. Shuman lays out her journey through the use of journal entries, in order to provide an example of how one might live the life of a cloistered heart. The book includes a prayer of consecration, and a few basic parameters on how to go about enclosing oneself within the will of God as in a cloister.I finished the book in two sittings, and am ready myself to set aside my heart for God.
My first thought was to chronicle my own journey as a separate page of my blog. My second thought was that I must be crazy! Isn't it vain and self-seeking to post publicly my private journey with God? Yet, thanks to the Food Network, here I am.
The way I see it is this -- If I find myself glued to reality TV that makes my mouth water, and others can't miss Survivor, Idol and a host of other reality shows, then why not be open with my spiritual journey through "reality blogging"?
I can assure you - any vanity you may suspect will vanish when you see how far I have to go in my efforts to live within the walls of God's will in my daily life.
So here goes. I will walk toward the monastery walls as a curious enquirer and begin to peek inside and imagine such a life!
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